It’s been a couple years since I’ve laid eyes on this blog. I am actually not surprised that how I felt about myself years ago is still the same. I still hate myself and I still hate how I look. I was successful at getting skinnier and actually feeling good about myself but then I ended up pregnant. My precious baby has made me stop myself from ending my life countless times. It’s sad. I feel worst and more numb every year. I am still in a relationship with Alex but it has been rocky. He did end up being like most guys who treat women as objects. Why am I still with him? Beats me... I still genuinely love and care about him but, I am too scarred by our relationship that I don’t feel like we are a good pair. In the end, he cheated on me numerous times up until now. It’s hard to be with someone who hasn’t matured. It’s very very difficult. My baby is amazing though and I am so happy to have had him. He is my light that I hope never goes out. I feel sad that I am not working towards goals for myself. I’ve been supportive for everyone and I am just tired now. I feel like my energy has depleted. Years later I am still depressed and still damaged... it’s so pathetic.

Too many thoughts, too many secrets in my head.

How delusional and selfish I have been the past few years. I didn't appreciate the love and opportunities I was given. Why did I set myself up for heartaches, failures and chances? Now that things are different, I only want the past. What I can do now is, accept my past and myself. My past will always be apart of me, it is my own experiences, my whole life.

Reading this blog makes me sad.
I was annoying as fuck and complained about anything (my past included)

A toast to a new year

This year I need to get myself together. I need to have a better life. I'm wasting so much time and it's sad. If I don't want to be miserable for the rest of my life then I have to do something about it. You can't just wish for things and expect it to come true the next day, it just doesn't work that way. I need to make goals for myself and I need to stick with them. For so many years I've been doing all the wrong things and this year I really need to try my best to make it different.

i'm not happy.

I've been chill for awhile. Well, honestly I'm just so lost right now. I've been trying to redeem myself but who knew figuring out yourself was so difficult. I really hate how my mind is working right now, there's just so much negativity and superficial shit in there.

Wasting my life trying to lose weight.

Because after awhile you just start to feel alone.

I just want to wake up without worrying about the way I look. I don't want to spend the rest of my life worrying about my weight, worrying if I'm too fat or not. My weight is one of the least things I want to worry about, I just want to live my life the right way. I just want to be a regular teenager that goes out and have fun, get into trouble, actually have real friends, and having a good time. But I can never get that because my weight is starting to get to me. Everyone is noticing..