It’s been a couple years since I’ve laid eyes on this blog. I am actually not surprised that how I felt about myself years ago is still the same. I still hate myself and I still hate how I look. I was successful at getting skinnier and actually feeling good about myself but then I ended up pregnant. My precious baby has made me stop myself from ending my life countless times. It’s sad. I feel worst and more numb every year. I am still in a relationship with Alex but it has been rocky. He did end up being like most guys who treat women as objects. Why am I still with him? Beats me... I still genuinely love and care about him but, I am too scarred by our relationship that I don’t feel like we are a good pair. In the end, he cheated on me numerous times up until now. It’s hard to be with someone who hasn’t matured. It’s very very difficult. My baby is amazing though and I am so happy to have had him. He is my light that I hope never goes out. I feel sad that I am not working towards goals for myself. I’ve been supportive for everyone and I am just tired now. I feel like my energy has depleted. Years later I am still depressed and still damaged... it’s so pathetic.

Too many thoughts, too many secrets in my head.

How delusional and selfish I have been the past few years. I didn't appreciate the love and opportunities I was given. Why did I set myself up for heartaches, failures and chances? Now that things are different, I only want the past. What I can do now is, accept my past and myself. My past will always be apart of me, it is my own experiences, my whole life.

Reading this blog makes me sad.
I was annoying as fuck and complained about anything (my past included)

A toast to a new year

This year I need to get myself together. I need to have a better life. I'm wasting so much time and it's sad. If I don't want to be miserable for the rest of my life then I have to do something about it. You can't just wish for things and expect it to come true the next day, it just doesn't work that way. I need to make goals for myself and I need to stick with them. For so many years I've been doing all the wrong things and this year I really need to try my best to make it different.

i'm not happy.

I've been chill for awhile. Well, honestly I'm just so lost right now. I've been trying to redeem myself but who knew figuring out yourself was so difficult. I really hate how my mind is working right now, there's just so much negativity and superficial shit in there.

Wasting my life trying to lose weight.

Because after awhile you just start to feel alone.

I just want to wake up without worrying about the way I look. I don't want to spend the rest of my life worrying about my weight, worrying if I'm too fat or not. My weight is one of the least things I want to worry about, I just want to live my life the right way. I just want to be a regular teenager that goes out and have fun, get into trouble, actually have real friends, and having a good time. But I can never get that because my weight is starting to get to me. Everyone is noticing..

I don't care about Timmy anymore and I mean it. I'm too worried about me and Alex, no one else matters but Alex. I'm so sorry for everything, the stress I give him, the arguments, everything.

Found out last night that Alex started smoking. Ugh.. everything is just so messed up. I'm so scared of losing him and everytime I think about it I just cry. I don't want him to leave I don't want us to be over..

Fuck it.

I actually talked to someone about how I've been feeling. That emptiness feeling, I talked it over with Timmy. It's hard to talk about it with Alex since he hasn't been through this feeling yet and so he doesn't understand what I mean. It's pretty complicated, but I do feel guilty. I love Alex but I ache when I talk to Timmy. That's bad...

Mannnnnnnnnn Ryan Bandong is so cute! I wish I had him yo!

Alex is one of the first guys I've ever been serious with. He's so fragile and different and he has lots to learn. After all I am his second girlfriend, he doesn't know shit about relationships haha. But I guess I really do love him and I mean it this time. All those other times I said "I love you" to those guys cannot compare the love that Alex gives to me. And I really appreciate that, who would have ever thought that me and my bestfriend would fall in love?

Quite surprisingly...That guy I thought who looked familiar is actually the guy I thought who looked familiar lol! It's crazy because  it's him! I remember I used to have this major crush on him back in Lowell and there he is all grown up. Aw man he was the first white kid I ever had a crush on. His name was Sam.

Stealing quotes, thoughts, feelings, and etc from tumblr lol. Ever since I deleted my tumblr I've been um how can I say this..unsatisfied? Yeah so I'm kind of angry at myself for deleting it since everything about tumblr reminds me of Timmy. But whatever I guess, he doesn't care and I already know why, no need to explain. Anyway I made a NEW tumblr, I honestly couldn't last without tumblr since tumblr is my resource for almost everything! On my new tumblr I don't really post anything but creep on people and shit.

"Don’t you hate when you have one of the days when you just wanna break down and cry? Those shitty days where you just wanna be left alone, but at the same time you want someone there to comfort you. And when you finally get the courage to actually tell someone your situation, and they don’t understand you, you just get even more frustrated. Especially if you’re already going through some bullshit with your parents. It just drains all your energy, and by the end of the day, you’re just exhausted."

So I was looking through the old computer and I found a bunch of pictures and a lot of old music I used to listen to. It really did bring back a lot of memories and I felt every feeling I had felt on a certain song.
Well I found a picture of me and Timmy when we first started talking. I remember that day, he was shy to talk through webcam so I pretended that the speakers were phones and we would talk on them ( because I didn't have a phone atm). I miss his presence and his conversations, his stories, I miss it all.