A toast to a new year

This year I need to get myself together. I need to have a better life. I'm wasting so much time and it's sad. If I don't want to be miserable for the rest of my life then I have to do something about it. You can't just wish for things and expect it to come true the next day, it just doesn't work that way. I need to make goals for myself and I need to stick with them. For so many years I've been doing all the wrong things and this year I really need to try my best to make it different.

i'm not happy.

I've been chill for awhile. Well, honestly I'm just so lost right now. I've been trying to redeem myself but who knew figuring out yourself was so difficult. I really hate how my mind is working right now, there's just so much negativity and superficial shit in there.

Wasting my life trying to lose weight.

Because after awhile you just start to feel alone.

I just want to wake up without worrying about the way I look. I don't want to spend the rest of my life worrying about my weight, worrying if I'm too fat or not. My weight is one of the least things I want to worry about, I just want to live my life the right way. I just want to be a regular teenager that goes out and have fun, get into trouble, actually have real friends, and having a good time. But I can never get that because my weight is starting to get to me. Everyone is noticing..

I don't care about Timmy anymore and I mean it. I'm too worried about me and Alex, no one else matters but Alex. I'm so sorry for everything, the stress I give him, the arguments, everything.

Found out last night that Alex started smoking. Ugh.. everything is just so messed up. I'm so scared of losing him and everytime I think about it I just cry. I don't want him to leave I don't want us to be over..

Fuck it.

I actually talked to someone about how I've been feeling. That emptiness feeling, I talked it over with Timmy. It's hard to talk about it with Alex since he hasn't been through this feeling yet and so he doesn't understand what I mean. It's pretty complicated, but I do feel guilty. I love Alex but I ache when I talk to Timmy. That's bad...