Mannnnnnnnnn Ryan Bandong is so cute! I wish I had him yo!

Alex is one of the first guys I've ever been serious with. He's so fragile and different and he has lots to learn. After all I am his second girlfriend, he doesn't know shit about relationships haha. But I guess I really do love him and I mean it this time. All those other times I said "I love you" to those guys cannot compare the love that Alex gives to me. And I really appreciate that, who would have ever thought that me and my bestfriend would fall in love?

Quite surprisingly...That guy I thought who looked familiar is actually the guy I thought who looked familiar lol! It's crazy because  it's him! I remember I used to have this major crush on him back in Lowell and there he is all grown up. Aw man he was the first white kid I ever had a crush on. His name was Sam.

Stealing quotes, thoughts, feelings, and etc from tumblr lol. Ever since I deleted my tumblr I've been um how can I say this..unsatisfied? Yeah so I'm kind of angry at myself for deleting it since everything about tumblr reminds me of Timmy. But whatever I guess, he doesn't care and I already know why, no need to explain. Anyway I made a NEW tumblr, I honestly couldn't last without tumblr since tumblr is my resource for almost everything! On my new tumblr I don't really post anything but creep on people and shit.

"Don’t you hate when you have one of the days when you just wanna break down and cry? Those shitty days where you just wanna be left alone, but at the same time you want someone there to comfort you. And when you finally get the courage to actually tell someone your situation, and they don’t understand you, you just get even more frustrated. Especially if you’re already going through some bullshit with your parents. It just drains all your energy, and by the end of the day, you’re just exhausted."

So I was looking through the old computer and I found a bunch of pictures and a lot of old music I used to listen to. It really did bring back a lot of memories and I felt every feeling I had felt on a certain song.
Well I found a picture of me and Timmy when we first started talking. I remember that day, he was shy to talk through webcam so I pretended that the speakers were phones and we would talk on them ( because I didn't have a phone atm). I miss his presence and his conversations, his stories, I miss it all.

Today (:

I just wanna let you know

"that even thought we don’t talk much, and sometimes we don’t really keep a conversation; I really do think about you. I wonder how you are and what you could be doing at the moment. More simply put, I want to talk to you but it’s just not the right time and place for it. And I really do feel bad when I realize that we’ve become so distant because I haven’t took the chance to hit you up. but hey, nobody’s perfect."


- I really hope that Timmy was writing that towards me. But who knows he could possibly be talking about someone else..

I'm starting to feel guilty. I told Alex that I didn't trust him and I know that those words probably crushed him. I only said it because I was starting to feel suspicious you know, I'm so afraid that he'll leave me for another girl. And I know he's not those other guys, Alex is special. But it's just so hard to gain trust in him so quickly because   Timmy made me lose trust in everyone. I'm just so afraid of that. He's probably mad and upset at me right now. He's most likely having seconds thoughts right now too. I don't blame him though, I would hate me too. I'm such a bitch and honestly I hate that about myself. I might as well be alone forever I'm sorry Alex. Now, I'll just cry myself to sleep. Not only do I upset my family but my boyfriend as well. 

I hate how I feel ugly all the time. I'm not fit enough nor am I pretty enough. It frustrates me a lot, I know that everything can't be perfect but why. Why do the fuck faces get to be gorgeous or beautiful. Why do the good people look unattractive most of the time. Fuck my genetics man, I blame my parents for making such an ugly child sigh.