I've been chill for awhile. Well, honestly I'm just so lost right now. I've been trying to redeem myself but who knew figuring out yourself was so difficult. I really hate how my mind is working right now, there's just so much negativity and superficial shit in there.

Wasting my life trying to lose weight.

Because after awhile you just start to feel alone.

I just want to wake up without worrying about the way I look. I don't want to spend the rest of my life worrying about my weight, worrying if I'm too fat or not. My weight is one of the least things I want to worry about, I just want to live my life the right way. I just want to be a regular teenager that goes out and have fun, get into trouble, actually have real friends, and having a good time. But I can never get that because my weight is starting to get to me. Everyone is noticing..

I don't care about Timmy anymore and I mean it. I'm too worried about me and Alex, no one else matters but Alex. I'm so sorry for everything, the stress I give him, the arguments, everything.

Found out last night that Alex started smoking. Ugh.. everything is just so messed up. I'm so scared of losing him and everytime I think about it I just cry. I don't want him to leave I don't want us to be over..

Fuck it.

I actually talked to someone about how I've been feeling. That emptiness feeling, I talked it over with Timmy. It's hard to talk about it with Alex since he hasn't been through this feeling yet and so he doesn't understand what I mean. It's pretty complicated, but I do feel guilty. I love Alex but I ache when I talk to Timmy. That's bad...

Mannnnnnnnnn Ryan Bandong is so cute! I wish I had him yo!

Alex is one of the first guys I've ever been serious with. He's so fragile and different and he has lots to learn. After all I am his second girlfriend, he doesn't know shit about relationships haha. But I guess I really do love him and I mean it this time. All those other times I said "I love you" to those guys cannot compare the love that Alex gives to me. And I really appreciate that, who would have ever thought that me and my bestfriend would fall in love?