Saturday, November 19, 2011

I've been chill for awhile. Well, honestly I'm just so lost right now. I've been trying to redeem myself but who knew figuring out yourself was so difficult. I really hate how my mind is working right now, there's just so much negativity and superficial shit in there.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Friday, August 12, 2011

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

I just want to wake up without worrying about the way I look. I don't want to spend the rest of my life worrying about my weight, worrying if I'm too fat or not. My weight is one of the least things I want to worry about, I just want to live my life the right way. I just want to be a regular teenager that goes out and have fun, get into trouble, actually have real friends, and having a good time. But I can never get that because my weight is starting to get to me. Everyone is noticing..

Monday, July 18, 2011

I don't care about Timmy anymore and I mean it. I'm too worried about me and Alex, no one else matters but Alex. I'm so sorry for everything, the stress I give him, the arguments, everything.
Found out last night that Alex started smoking. Ugh.. everything is just so messed up. I'm so scared of losing him and everytime I think about it I just cry. I don't want him to leave I don't want us to be over..

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

I actually talked to someone about how I've been feeling. That emptiness feeling, I talked it over with Timmy. It's hard to talk about it with Alex since he hasn't been through this feeling yet and so he doesn't understand what I mean. It's pretty complicated, but I do feel guilty. I love Alex but I ache when I talk to Timmy. That's bad...

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Mannnnnnnnnn Ryan Bandong is so cute! I wish I had him yo!

Friday, June 3, 2011

Alex is one of the first guys I've ever been serious with. He's so fragile and different and he has lots to learn. After all I am his second girlfriend, he doesn't know shit about relationships haha. But I guess I really do love him and I mean it this time. All those other times I said "I love you" to those guys cannot compare the love that Alex gives to me. And I really appreciate that, who would have ever thought that me and my bestfriend would fall in love?
Quite surprisingly...That guy I thought who looked familiar is actually the guy I thought who looked familiar lol! It's crazy because  it's him! I remember I used to have this major crush on him back in Lowell and there he is all grown up. Aw man he was the first white kid I ever had a crush on. His name was Sam.
Stealing quotes, thoughts, feelings, and etc from tumblr lol. Ever since I deleted my tumblr I've been um how can I say this..unsatisfied? Yeah so I'm kind of angry at myself for deleting it since everything about tumblr reminds me of Timmy. But whatever I guess, he doesn't care and I already know why, no need to explain. Anyway I made a NEW tumblr, I honestly couldn't last without tumblr since tumblr is my resource for almost everything! On my new tumblr I don't really post anything but creep on people and shit.
"Don’t you hate when you have one of the days when you just wanna break down and cry? Those shitty days where you just wanna be left alone, but at the same time you want someone there to comfort you. And when you finally get the courage to actually tell someone your situation, and they don’t understand you, you just get even more frustrated. Especially if you’re already going through some bullshit with your parents. It just drains all your energy, and by the end of the day, you’re just exhausted."

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

So I was looking through the old computer and I found a bunch of pictures and a lot of old music I used to listen to. It really did bring back a lot of memories and I felt every feeling I had felt on a certain song.
Well I found a picture of me and Timmy when we first started talking. I remember that day, he was shy to talk through webcam so I pretended that the speakers were phones and we would talk on them ( because I didn't have a phone atm). I miss his presence and his conversations, his stories, I miss it all.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

I just wanna let you know

"that even thought we don’t talk much, and sometimes we don’t really keep a conversation; I really do think about you. I wonder how you are and what you could be doing at the moment. More simply put, I want to talk to you but it’s just not the right time and place for it. And I really do feel bad when I realize that we’ve become so distant because I haven’t took the chance to hit you up. but hey, nobody’s perfect."

- I really hope that Timmy was writing that towards me. But who knows he could possibly be talking about someone else..

Monday, April 18, 2011

I'm starting to feel guilty. I told Alex that I didn't trust him and I know that those words probably crushed him. I only said it because I was starting to feel suspicious you know, I'm so afraid that he'll leave me for another girl. And I know he's not those other guys, Alex is special. But it's just so hard to gain trust in him so quickly because   Timmy made me lose trust in everyone. I'm just so afraid of that. He's probably mad and upset at me right now. He's most likely having seconds thoughts right now too. I don't blame him though, I would hate me too. I'm such a bitch and honestly I hate that about myself. I might as well be alone forever I'm sorry Alex. Now, I'll just cry myself to sleep. Not only do I upset my family but my boyfriend as well. 

Monday, April 11, 2011

I hate how I feel ugly all the time. I'm not fit enough nor am I pretty enough. It frustrates me a lot, I know that everything can't be perfect but why. Why do the fuck faces get to be gorgeous or beautiful. Why do the good people look unattractive most of the time. Fuck my genetics man, I blame my parents for making such an ugly child sigh.
My boyfriend Alex was on his phone earlier today and it surprised me because he's never usually on the phone with someone else. I might be jumping into conclusions though, I'm just afraid that he'll end up being an asshole like the guys I used to date or talk to. But me and Alex has been friends for awhile now( before we were going out) and I know him very well. And trust me we give each other PLENTY of space. We like to give each other space and not make each other our number one priority. But hearing him on the phone earlier with that other person kinda affected me, badly. They way he talked to this person was how he talked to me. Ugh, I don't know maybe it's just me overreacting, don't you think?
My moms birthday is next month and for a present I've decided to make an mixtape for her. Just so old memories would come back to her and I for one actually like the 90's & 80's music. It sounds way better than this generations music. This generations music isn't as good as the music from back then. 90's and 80's music is so soothing and it's slow and jazz like, I like that because it sounds nice and it just gives me good vibes. Although I do listen to this generations music as well. 90's & 80's music are the best generation with good songs in my opinion.

Sunday, April 10, 2011


So lately I've been feeling unusual. Well I mean like, I've felt like this since the ending of 2010 then ongoing. It's like this emptiness inside of me that won't go away. It doesn't hurt honestly, it just makes you feel nothing. Yes, simply nothing that's impossible right? Well you're wrong, this emptiness then starts to take over you and it starts taking advantage of you. How? You start feeling useless and you think way too much and you can't help but think if living is worth it. That there is nothing in life for you anymore and that feeling sucks. You lose motivation for everything and you feel like no one understands you. This is not depression trust me. What I show towards other people is happiness but what I really feel inside is sorrow. In all honesty I miss the feeling of having feelings. I know confusing right? What I actually mean is I miss having those emotions I once did like last year and the years before that. I miss learning new feelings and thoughts but at the same time I'm mad at myself for not experiencing this new feeling before hand. I don't know what to say, what to do, or to even think anymore.
I've made a blogger to let out everything. My secrets, my thoughts, my theories, etc. As of now this will be the only place for me to get away from reality. Since my tumblr is exposed to everyone now, it's hard to post secretive things on there you know? I guess I can start an journal entry whenever I get the chance to go on blogger, about current events and whatnot. I'm working on my grammar so I can get to perfection. Before I used to write like a little retarded dumb fuck, I guess that was a stage haha. Hopefully anyone I know in person or anyone I know online won't find this, hopefully..